Jokes,Jokes,Jokes

AngelicSpirit
God
Posts: 1598
Joined: 03 Aug 2009 08:51

Re: Jokes,Jokes,Jokes

Postby AngelicSpirit » 23 Sep 2012 16:08

Same with this one.

Note NSFW (with the volume up anyways) :D

Men's version



Women's version


User avatar
DAVEY-D
Rookie
Posts: 34
Joined: 09 Jun 2010 16:32
Now Playing: GT5
BFBC2
COD BL/OPS
F1 2010
JUST CAUSE 2
Contact:

Re: Jokes,Jokes,Jokes

Postby DAVEY-D » 08 Oct 2012 15:46

After months of vigorous training, two men and a woman found themselves in the last three to be elite killers for the C.I.A, there was one task left the first man was brought forward and the head of recruitment said "well done you've nearly made it, in that room your wife is sitting on a chair, here is a gun i want you to go in there and kill her" the first man said "no way i can't do it" the second man took the gun went in, five minutes later he came out in floods of tears "i can't do it he said. Next was the woman she took the gun went in and instantly six shots were fired and a load of banging and screaming, when she came out she said "you could have told me they were blanks, i had to beat him to death with a chair"

User avatar
Funar
Site Admin
Posts: 7398
Joined: 13 Aug 2007 10:58
Twitter ID: @PSLFunar
Now Playing: Destiny, Destiny

Re: Jokes,Jokes,Jokes

Postby Funar » 06 Nov 2012 10:37


User avatar
Funar
Site Admin
Posts: 7398
Joined: 13 Aug 2007 10:58
Twitter ID: @PSLFunar
Now Playing: Destiny, Destiny

Re: Jokes,Jokes,Jokes

Postby Funar » 21 Nov 2012 16:07

OK this isn't a joke, but it made me giggle having spent many hours on old text based advetures.

> e
Your path is blocked by a floor waxer driven by Mooncake the cat

>examine Mooncake
Mooncake gives you the look that only cats can: an oxymoronic glare of pure innocence and deep, predatory malevolence. Around her neck is a curious RFID tag.

>get tag
Mooncake gently bats your hand a way. It’s a casual gesture, but one clearly designed to tell you, “I have razor sharp, retractable claws you know.”

>i
You have That Thing Your Aunt Gave You Which You Don’t Know What It Is, a rubber chicken with a pulley in the middle, a laser pointer and a lardy cake.

>shine laser pointer at floor
Mooncake leaps down and chases the red dot like a cat chasing a laser pointer. Whilst she is distracted you quickly unclip the curious RFID tag from her neck.

>e
Back door

>say to Thorin “unlock door with curious tag”
Thorin takes the RFID tag from you and waves it at the door. As if by magic a small flap swings open.

>climb through flap
The opening is too small.

>climb through flap
No, really – there’s no way you’ll get through there.

>climb through flap
You stick your head through the hole, followed by one arm. You are now wearing a door. (We did tell you, but you didn’t listen.)

>lubricate flap with lardy cake
You slather the fat-rich dough around the frame and then rub some on yourself for good measure. After some panicked wriggling you manage to squeeze through with only a few scrapes. You find yourself in an overgrown garden. The only exit is east through a small wooden gate.

>e
*** CONGRATULATIONS, YOU HAVE ESCAPED!! ***

Your score is 3 of a possible 100, in 2493 moves. This score gives you the rank of complete and utter dullard.

Would you like to: RESTORE, RESTART or QUIT?

User avatar
mik_69
Moderator
Posts: 5346
Joined: 30 Aug 2007 20:40
Twitter ID: mik_69
Now Playing: Destiny 2, NFS Payback
Location: Swansea

Re: Jokes,Jokes,Jokes

Postby mik_69 » 19 Dec 2012 22:43

Suppose to be the best 25 autocorrects if 2012. Not sure if that's true but some are hilarious.

http://www.buzzfeed.com/daves4/the-25-f ... 2?s=mobile

User avatar
Keyop
Site Admin
Posts: 13035
Joined: 31 Jul 2007 15:50
Now Playing: GT Sport
CoD WWII
Star Wars Battlefront II

Re: Jokes,Jokes,Jokes

Postby Keyop » 20 Dec 2012 01:59

Hilarious some of those Mik lol

User avatar
Bluepip
Site Admin
Posts: 6211
Joined: 09 Apr 2008 11:07
Twitter ID: Bluepip
Now Playing: Baby Shark on YouTube....repeatedly!
Might get to play HZD sometime ;D
Contact:

Re: Jokes,Jokes,Jokes

Postby Bluepip » 20 Dec 2012 09:59

I'm laughing sooo much lol

gooner96
God
Posts: 794
Joined: 17 Oct 2007 18:02
Twitter ID: @Jackrobbx
Now Playing: Fifa 17 & BF1
Location: Scotland

Re: Jokes,Jokes,Jokes

Postby gooner96 » 20 Dec 2012 17:33

23 :rotfl:

User avatar
Funar
Site Admin
Posts: 7398
Joined: 13 Aug 2007 10:58
Twitter ID: @PSLFunar
Now Playing: Destiny, Destiny

Re: Jokes,Jokes,Jokes

Postby Funar » 08 Jan 2013 16:57

In hindsight, I should probably have written on Facebook, “I’ve blown the head gasket on my 1998 Ford XR3,”
rather than, “I’ve just f ***** d a fourteen year old escort.”

The police still haven’t seen the funny side of it, and they’ve confiscated my laptop.

However, the news isn’t all bad; the wife has gone to stay with her mother.

AngelicSpirit
God
Posts: 1598
Joined: 03 Aug 2009 08:51

Re: Jokes,Jokes,Jokes

Postby AngelicSpirit » 05 Feb 2013 02:11

The train was quite crowded, so a U. S. Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat, but the only seat left was taken by a well dressed, middle-aged, French woman's poodle. The war-weary Marine asked, 'Ma'am, may I have that seat?' The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular 'Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat.'

The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was under that dog. 'Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired. She snorted, 'Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!'

This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the little dog, threw it out of the train window, and sat down. The woman shrieked, 'Someone must defend my honour! This American should be put in his place!'

An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up, 'Sir, you Americans often seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your cars on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out of the window.