Jokes,Jokes,Jokes

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Bluepip
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Re: Jokes,Jokes,Jokes

Postby Bluepip » 06 Feb 2013 12:04

Not a joke, just an amusing email I've had.


Why, Why, Why.....

Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting dead?

Why do banks charge a fee on 'insufficient funds' when they know there is not enough money?

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?

Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Whose idea was it to put an 'S' in the word 'lisp'?

If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?

Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?

Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?

Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?

How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?

When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, 'It's all right?' Well, it isn't all right, so why don't we say, 'That hurt, you idiot?'

Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?

In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?

How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?

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Re: Jokes,Jokes,Jokes

Postby Ghost59-ad » 20 Feb 2013 19:10

newly weds move in to a new house, the wife says to him ... what you want for breakfast love he says sex get ur knickers off bang bang bang, he comes home for dinner she says what u want for dinner love, he says sex get ur knickers off bang bang bang, he comes home after woerk and sees his missus sliding down the banister naked as a jay bird, he says what the feck u doing .. she says im keeping your tea warm lol

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Re: Jokes,Jokes,Jokes

Postby Ghost59-ad » 21 Feb 2013 08:45

Paddy gets stranded on desert island, he finds a magic lantern a rubs it, a genie pops out and says you've got two wishes, ok i will have a bottle of guiness that never runs out, Granted said the Genie, what is your second wish for, thats easy he replies, i'lll have another one of these lol

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Re: Jokes,Jokes,Jokes

Postby Funar » 21 Feb 2013 12:02

Seems logical enough :funar:

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Re: Jokes,Jokes,Jokes

Postby Ghost59-ad » 21 Feb 2013 12:16

Funar wrote:Seems logical enough :funar:

Funar your so cool lol

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Re: Jokes,Jokes,Jokes

Postby Ghost59-ad » 22 Feb 2013 09:54

private smith on the parade ground, the co comes out to the sargent amd says sargent tell smith his aunty just died, so the sargent yells smith, yes sir, your aunty just died, smith has a breakdown there and then, six months later smiths back on the parade ground the co comes out to the sargent and says tell smith his grandad just died, sargent yells smith your grandad just died, smith has a breakdown there and then, six months later the co comes out and says to the sargent tell Smith his wife has just died and break it to him gentley he has had a lot of bad luck latl sargent yells all you married men step out in front the sargent yells WHERE THE feck YOU GOING SMITH!

PS, this is just a random joke and is not intended to hurt anyone or offend in anyway,

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Re: Jokes,Jokes,Jokes

Postby Ghost59-ad » 23 Feb 2013 09:12

ronald reagan starred in over 40 cowboy films and never got shot once, he became the president of the united states and got shot twice in a fortnight lol

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lol jokes

Postby Ghost59-ad » 07 Mar 2013 15:07

What's the difference between a novel and a book?
How old are you before it can be said you died of old age?
If nobody buys a ticket to a movie do they still show it?
If someone owns a piece of land, do they own it all the way to the center of the earth?
If you have a cold hot pocket, is it just a pocket?
If humans evolved from monkey's/apes, why are they still here?
Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
Why is the show called unsolved mysteries? if they were solved they wouldn't be mysteries.
Do penguins have knees?
Why is it said that an alarm clock is going off when really its coming on?


How come people tell you not to stand in front of an emergency exit when if there was an emergency surely you would run through it?
Why did Sally sell seashells on the seashore when you can just pick them up anyway?
In libraries, do they put the bible in the fiction or non-fiction section?
Why are both of Spongebob's parents round like sea sponges while he is square like a kitchen sponge?
Does a two-humped camel store more water than a one-humped camel?
If you pamper a cow, do you get spoiled milk?
Why is it that if someone yells "duck" they are helping you, but if they yell "chicken" they are insulting you?
If the FBI breaks your door down do they have to pay for it?
If they have angel food cake on earth, do they have people food cake in heaven?
If you fart and burp at the same time, would it make a vacuum in your tummy?
Do they call a fortune teller who cant see a "blind seer"?
Why do you put two cents in when its only a penny for your thoughts?
Can you cry underwater?
You know the signs on restaurant doors? No Shirt, No Shoes, No Service? what if someone goes in with No Pants? Would the restaurant still have to serve them?
If an African elephant comes to America, is it an African-American elephant?
Why doesn't flavored gum turn your mouth that color?
If a doctor suddenly died while doing surgery, would the other doctors work on the doctor or the patient?
Why do we sing "Rock a bye baby" to lull our little ones to sleep when the song is about putting your baby in a tree and letting the wind crash the cradle to the ground?
Why do we say we're head over heels when we're happy? Isn't that the way we normally are?
If the Wicked Witch of the West melts in water... how did she ever bathe?
If bald people work as chefs in a restaurant,do they have to wear hairnets?
Why do sleeping pills have warning labels that state :'Caution: May Cause Drowsiness?
Do nudists have pin-ups of people with clothes on?
How can Darth Vader breathe and talk at the same time?
If there's a wheelchair-bound comedian, is it still called "stand-up"?
When the French swear do they say pardon my English?
Do people who use sign language see little hands in their head when they think about what somebody said, or do they hear the words in their head?
How did Walt Disney figure out how to make people pay to stand in lines all day?
Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?
Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
Why do they call someone "late" if they died early?
Why are the adjectives 'fast as' and 'slow as' often used in conjunction with hell, is hell slow or fast?
If the serving size on a can of soda is one can, then why is the serving size on the little can one can, too? Wouldn't the little cans be 2 cans?
If a king is gay and marries another guy what is that guy to the royal family?
Why are red buttons always the most important?
How is chess considered a sport?
Why is it when your sleeping it`s called drool but when your awake its called spit?
If a hermaphrodite got sent to a certain gender prison, which one would it get sent to?
If a teacher were to teach a younger grade than they were teaching before, would they be "degraded"?
If you get chemo-therapy do you lose your pubic hairs?
Would you die if you didn't pee?
Why does every Abraham Lincoln impersonator sound the same, even though there are no known audio recordings of the man?
How's come people tell you to stay a kid for as long as you can. Yet the moment you do anything childish or immature they tell you to grow up.
Why does the Easter bunny carry eggs? Rabbits don't lay eggs.
When Jewish People go to Court, they can't swear on the bible, can they?
If marbles are not made of marble, why are they called marbles?
If you dig a hole through the center of the earth, come out on the other side, and then let go, would you be falling down or floating up?
Could you be a closet claustrophobic?
Could someone be addicted to counseling? If so, how would you treat them?
If ketchup is good on french fries, how come it isn't good on mashed potatoes?
Where do all the daylight savings hours go?
Why doesn't the hair on your arms grow as fast as the hair on your head?
What happens if a black cat walks under a ladder and breaks a mirror?
Why when people ask you "what three things would you bring with you on a desert island?" no one ever replies, "A BOAT"
Why are elderly people often called "old people" but children are never called "new people"?
How does Freddy Kruger wipe his butt?
Why doesn't broccoli come in a can?
Can you slam a revolving door?
How young can you be, but still die of old age?
What would happen if you found a four-leaf-clover under a ladder?
Can a cross-eyed teacher control his pupils?
Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?
If winnie the pooh was civilized enough to keep his honey in jars, why did he eat it off his hands? Surely he had spoons?
What happens if you get a paper cut from a Get Well card?
Can you read a picture book?
Why does it say "shake well" on ketchup bottles, but not ketchup packets?
Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?
Is eating a mermaid considered cannibalism?
Why does it say do not use before work with heavy machinery on the back of childrens tylenol? I mean..really could we save that many people by getting those darn five year-olds with headcolds off those forklifts!
If mirrors need light to work, what happens if you put night vision goggles on in the dark and look at a mirror?
if you're on an American airline, and you land in Canada and stay on the plane, is the drinking age still 21 or does it change to 19?
What happens if every team in the NFL goes 8-8?
What shape is the sky?
If a Jewish person goes to court and is asked to put their right hand on the Bible, do they use a Torah instead?
Why is it written "May contain traces of peanuts or other kind of nuts" on peanut butter jars. Are people stupid enough not to realize it themselves?
If you only have one eye...are you blinking or winking?
If you have a gun and you ask, "can I ask you a question?" and they say "fire away" should you shoot them?
What is a chickpea if it is neither a chick nor a pea?
Why is it called the People's Republic Of China when China's not a republic?

found these on the internet lol

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Re: Jokes,Jokes,Jokes

Postby Ghost59-ad » 13 May 2013 16:00

A farmer's dog once came to town,
His Christian name was Spot.
He had a noble pedigree,
It was Penis out of tw@ [?].

And as he trotted up the street
It was wonderful to see
Him whizz upon each lamppost,
And whizz upon each tree.

He whizzed upon each gateway,
He whizzed upon each post,
For whizzing was his specialty
And whizzing was his boast.

The city curs looked on amazed,
With growing jealous rage
To see a simple country dog
The pisser of the age.

And just to show his mettle,
That he didn't care a damn
He trotted to a grocer's shop
And whizzed upon a ham.

He whizzed against the grocer's leg.
He whizzed upon the floor,
'Til the grocer with a bull's-eye kick
Sent him whizzing out the door.

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Re: Jokes,Jokes,Jokes

Postby mik_69 » 01 Jun 2013 16:34

Can't remember if these go in the Jokes thread or the pictures thread but these autocorrect ones always have me laughing outloud.

http://mobile.smartphowned.com/lists/91 ... Hit-Send/3