Jokes,Jokes,Jokes

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Funar
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Re: Jokes,Jokes,Jokes

Postby Funar » 20 Aug 2013 13:34

Funar wrote:The top 10 jokes at Edinburgh Fringe were:

1. Stewart Francis - "You know who really gives kids a bad name? Posh and Becks."

2. Tim Vine - "Last night me and my girlfriend watched three DVDs back to back. Luckily I was the one facing the telly. "

3. Will Marsh - "I was raised as an only child, which really annoyed my sister."

4. Rob Beckett - "You know you're working class when your TV is bigger than your book case."

5. Chris Turner - "I'm good friends with 25 letters of the alphabet… I don't know Y."

6. Tim Vine - "I took part in the sun tanning Olympics - I just got Bronze."

7. George Ryegold - "Pornography is often frowned upon, but that's only because I'm concentrating."

8. Stewart Francis - "I saw a documentary on how ships are kept together. Riveting!"

9. Lou Sanders - "I waited an hour for my starter so I complained: 'It's not rocket salad."

10. Nish Kumar - "My mum's so pessimistic, that if there was an Olympics for pessimism… she wouldn't fancy her chances."

Some Klassik Keyop there :D


Are this years top 10 better?

1. Rob Auton - "I heard a rumour that Cadbury is bringing out an oriental chocolate bar. Could be a Chinese Wispa."

2. Alex Horne - "I used to work in a shoe-recycling shop. It was sole-destroying."

3. Alfie Moore - "I'm in a same-sex marriage... the sex is always the same."

4. Tim Vine - "My friend told me he was going to a fancy dress party as an Italian island. I said to him 'Don't be Sicily'."

5. Gary Delaney - "I can give you the cause of anaphylactic shock in a nutshell."

6. Phil Wang - "The Pope is a lot like Doctor Who. He never dies, just keeps being replaced by white men."

7. Marcus Brigstocke - "You know you are fat when you hug a child and it gets lost."

8. Liam Williams - "The universe implodes. No matter."

9. Bobby Mair - "I was adopted at birth and have never met my mum. That makes it very difficult to enjoy any lapdance."

10. Chris Coltrane - "The good thing about lending someone your time machine is that you basically get it back immediately."

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Re: Jokes,Jokes,Jokes

Postby Funar » 25 Aug 2015 09:27

The top 10 funniest jokes of the Fringe 2015

1. "I just deleted all the German names off my phone. It's Hans free" - Darren Walsh

2. "Kim Kardashian is saddled with a huge ar$e ... but enough about Kanye West" - Stewart Francis

3. "Surely every car is a people carrier?" - Adam Hess

4. "What's the difference between a 'hippo' and a 'Zippo'? One is really heavy, the other is a little lighter" - Masai Graham

5. "If I could take just one thing to a desert island I probably wouldn't go" - Dave Green

6. "Jesus fed 5,000 people with two fishes and a loaf of bread. That's not a miracle. That's tapas" - Mark Nelson

7. "Red sky at night. Shepherd's delight. Blue sky at night. Day" - Tom Parry

8. "The first time I met my wife, I knew she was a keeper. She was wearing massive gloves" - Alun Cochrane

9. "Clowns divorce. Custardy battle" - Simon Munnery

10. "They're always telling me to live my dreams. But I don't want to be naked in an exam I haven't revised for..." - Grace The Child


The judges also released a list of jokes which just missed out on the shortlist.

"I never lie on my CV…because it creases it." - Jenny Collier

"If you don't know what introspection is you need to take a long, hard look at yourself" - Ian Smith

"I usually meet my girlfriend at 12:59 because I like that one-to-one time" - Tom Ward

"Whenever I get to Edinburgh, I'm reminded of the definition of a gentleman. It's someone who knows how to play the bagpipes, but doesn't" - Gyles Brandreth

"Let me tell you a little about myself. It's a reflexive pronoun that means 'me'" - Ally Houston

"Earlier this year I saw "The Theory of Everything" - loved it. Should've been called "Look Who's Hawking", that's my only criticism" - James Acaster

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Re: Jokes,Jokes,Jokes

Postby Keyop » 25 Aug 2015 17:14

Wow another year, some good ones there :)

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Re: Jokes,Jokes,Jokes

Postby tlpn99 » 25 Aug 2015 17:36

Love it Funar some funny ones there made me smile :)

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Re: Jokes,Jokes,Jokes

Postby nightfalls » 01 Sep 2015 12:33

Thanks for posting these! Nice to have a summary of the festival :)

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Re: Jokes,Jokes,Jokes

Postby Keyop » 07 Nov 2015 13:11

Ron, an elderly man in Florida, had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some orange and lime trees.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.
As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence, and they all went to the deep end.
One of the women shouted to him, “We're not coming out until you leave!"
Ron frowned, “I didn’t come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked."
Holding the bucket up Ron said, “I’m here to feed the alligator."

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Re: Jokes,Jokes,Jokes

Postby Bluepip » 08 Nov 2015 11:42

lol

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Re: Jokes,Jokes,Jokes

Postby WeeCraig » 24 Jun 2016 14:00

Brexit to be followed by Grexit. Departugal. Italeave. Fruckoff. Czechout. Oustria. Finish. Slovlong. Latervia. Byegium.. until EU reach the state of Germlonely.


---

I would tell you a great joke about time travel. But you didnt like it.

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Re: Jokes,Jokes,Jokes

Postby reidy » 27 Jul 2016 09:06

Mmm. Not bad, a bit dated. Anyone like Jimmy Car? i watched a dvd of his, was so cringy

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Re: Jokes,Jokes,Jokes

Postby WeeCraig » 23 Aug 2016 10:14

Usually Funars annual post.

The top 15 funniest jokes from the Fringe 2016

1. "My dad has suggested that I register for a donor card. He's a man after my own heart" - Masai Graham

2. "Why is it old people say "there's no place like home", yet when you put them in one…" - Stuart Mitchell

3. "I've been happily married for four years - out of a total of 10" - Mark Watson

4. "Apparently 1 in 3 Britons are conceived in an IKEA bed which is mad because those places are really well lit" - Mark Smith

5. "I went to a pub quiz in Liverpool, had a few drinks so wasn't much use. Just for a laugh I wrote The Beatles or Steven Gerrard for every answer… came second" - Will Duggan

6. "Brexit is a terrible name, sounds like cereal you eat when you are constipated" - Tiff Stevenson

7. "I often confuse Americans and Canadians. By using long words" - Gary Delaney

8. "Why is Henry's wife covered in tooth marks? Because he's Tudor" - Adele Cliff

9. "Don't you hate it when people assume you're rich because you sound posh and went to private school and have loads of money?" - Annie McGrath

10. "Is it possible to mistake schizophrenia for telepathy, I hear you ask" - Jordan Brookes

11. "Hillary Clinton has shown that any woman can be President, as long as your husband did it first" - Michelle Wolf

12. "I spotted a Marmite van on the motorway. It was heading yeastbound" - Roger Swift

13. "Back in the day, Instagram just meant a really efficient drug dealer" - Arthur Smith

14. "I'll tell you what's unnatural in the eyes of God. Contact lenses" - Zoe Lyons

15. "Elton John hates ordering Chinese food. Soya seems to be the hardest word" - Phil Nicol